To My Friend

I knew that you were hurting … but I couldn’t ease your pain
I knew that you needed someone near … so I always tried to be there
I didn’t understand you … but I listened anyway

And slowly you became a part of me … and I part of you
So when you died … I cried … because I loved you
And, yet, I had to sit there helplessly and watch you kill yourself

I couldn’t get you drug-free … I couldn’t’ give you God
You had to find these for yourself … but somehow you weren’t able
Or maybe just too scared … so I sat and watched you die

I’d hoped it would not end in death … for part of me must die as well
And I cried out, “Oh, God, why must it be?”
And, yet, I know within myself that death is part of life

I know I tried as best I could to make you understand
I needed you to help me grow by doing what I could
Still, yet, you never really knew … I cared

So when you died… I cried

Something had to give…

There I was 22 years old and my life was in shambles. For my whole life I had been taught that once you screwed everything up, you were finished… Done… It was over.

I didn’t want to believe that was really true, but everyone said it was and “doing my own thing” was what got me into this mess to start with.

I was so depressed with the realization that I was finished, done, a failure before I had even really gotten started that I wanted to slink off somewhere and just die.

I just knew there had to be someway to fix things, or at least a way to start over. Then it happened. I got the incentive I needed from the most unlikely source, my lawyer Max. (I told you I’d really screwed up.)

He set me down in his office one day and told me all the bad things I already knew about myself and agreed with. Then he said the most amazing thing. He said, “You are who and what you are BY CHOICE. You have chosen to be that way.”

I was speechless (not a common thing for me). It was like a ton of bricks fell on me. “By choice? Why would anyone choose to be this way? He must be crazy.”

When I finally got my voice back, I told him he was crazy. He smiled… sweetly. You know, the kind of smile you just want to knock off someone’s face. Then he asked, “Exactly who forced you to do the things you’ve done?”

I couldn’t answer except to say, “Well nobody, but…..”

“No buts. If nobody forced you, then you chose to do it, period. Or are you saying that you are a puppet with no will of your own?” I couldn’t argue because doing “my own thing” is what got me to this place so I just sat there with my mouth hanging open.

“So, if you chose to do the things you’ve done, you can chose to act differently and become the kind of person you can be proud of. All you have to do is want to change.”

“Me? Change? That was possible? Everything I been taught was wrong?” I was stunned.

That day was a turning point in my life…an epiphany. I respected and trusted Max. Max said I could change my life. I wanted desperately to believe him, so I did believe him. But, I had no idea where to begin.

One thing everyone has always agreed on is that I am one of the most stubborn human beings on this planet. If creating a life filled with contentment and happiness was possible, I was determined to figure out how to do it.

I took me years of trial and error. It seems that for every couple steps forward, I took at least one step backward. But ultimately I reached my goal.

Now, I want to help you do the same thing by sharing what I’ve learned and maybe helping you to avoid some of the mistakes I made while I was figuring it all out.

Today, I feel sad about all the people I hurt back then in what almost seems like a different lifetime, but other than that I have very few regrets.

If someone like me can change my life, anyone can do it. All you have to do it want to. In fact you don’t even need to want to. You just need to “want to want to”. That’s all I had when I started. I desperately wanted to want to change my life.

The Living Without Lies Program is based on what I discovered I had to do to create the kind of life I wanted. The program covers step-by step what it took for a for 22 year old high school dropout with a drug problem, charged with first degree murder who wanted to slink off somewhere and just die to become a respected citizen with a loving family who’s had a successful career as a computer network engineer and teacher for the past 25 years.

The Living Without Lies Program is designed to help strip away all of the lies we tell ourselves until you discover the “real you” so you can create a life of contentment and happiness.

Request for Guest Posting

If you want me to post to your blog or you want to contribute to mine, contact me at livingwithoutlies@comcast.net to discuss it.

FaceBook, Twitter, etc.

I am currently planning to create a FaceBook fan page in near future.

Is this a WordPress Blog?

Yes it is. I consider WordPress to be the best logging platform available.

Who designed the template/theme?

I designed the theme and since I am a web master, I also maintain the web site.

Are you an expert in the self help field?

I have no formal training in this area. If you have read the post “What this site is about” listed under pages at the bottom of the right sidebar, you know that my life was a complete shambles at age 22 … I was a high school dropout with serious legal problems. Today, I am an adjunct professor at a private college and I run a one person web design and copy writing service part time from my home.

Where do you get your ideas?

My ideas come from what I had to do to go from being that 22 year old women whose life was a disaster to become the happy, content and successful person I am today.

How long have you been blogging?

I’ve been blogging about three years. However, I had my first article published when I was 11 years old and have been writing ever since then. I run a one person part-time copy writing service out of my home and do a lot of technical writing since by profession, I am a computer network engineer and teach computer networking part-time at a private college.

How do you handle people who disagree with you?

I do get a lot of SPAM comments, but I really don’t get many people who disagree. Even if they do, if their post is readable and makes sense, I just publish it. I am always willing to listen to different opinions.

Do you have an RSS feed?

No, I don’t but since so many people are requesting one, I will add one soon.

Can I link to your website, Tweet your post, etc?

You may link to my website, tweet my post or share the link on Face Book.

Can I use your content in my Newsletter, website or blog?

You may use the content as long as you don’t change anything, provide a link to my blog and add my byline (Donna Warren) to the content used. You may also translate the content into other languages so long as you include a link to my blog and add my byline (Donna Warren) to the content used.

Problems with the website

Please send me an email to livingwithoutlies@comcast.net and explain the problem.

I am aware of the multiple emails from the notice feature for new posts. I get 2 emails every time a new comment is posted. I have disabled the plugin and am looking into the problem and will fix it as soon as possible.

Some people have reported issues with different browsers. I have Internet Explorer 8, Firefox 4, Maxthon , Opera, Safari and Chrome installed on my computer and the site looks somewhat different but OK in all of them. Take a screen shot of the problem and email it to me so I can try and fix it.

I am also aware that the wpmobile plugin is not working properly and I am trying to fix it.

Can you add videos, Pictures or audio to the website?

If I can find pictures, video or audio that are appropriate, I will add them. Feel free to suggest something for a specific post. If I like it, I will use it. Send your suggestions to livingwithoutlies@comcast.net (you can’t send pictures through the website email server).

We cannot always help what we think or feel but we have absolute control over what we do about those thoughts and feelings. The ability to choose how we want to act and react is the ultimate freedom.

Here’s how I see my job.  I see the labs in our school as my private play rooms. I see my jobs as explaining how my toys work to all my new friends (students) so we can all play with them.

It is any wonder that I look forward to getting up and going to work each day? I commute 50 miles each way and do so willingly because I like my job and enjoy what I do.

It is perfect? Of course not!

Let’s look at both the good and bad parts of my job. I work for a private educational institution with all the normal politics, policies, procedures, etc you would expect in a large organization. Every time I turn around, the administrators are finding new hoops for the instructors to jump through. Many of my colleagues get angry because their students rarely appreciate anything you do for them even when you go above and beyond what is required.

But, my question is, why should the students be grateful for anything I do for them? I get paid to teach them. That is my job. It is what I get paid to do. Why should the students be grateful for me doing my job?

That doesn’t make sense to me.

If I hire someone to do a job, I expect them to do a good job because that is what I am paying them to do. Now if you do go above and beyond what’s required, when they ask you to do something, they usually appreciate it. If they did not ask for your help, they are more likely to resent what you are doing.

That’s the down side of my job. Now let’s look at the up side.

I like my job! I get paid to play with my toys. But the biggest reward I get from teaching is when I get to see that light bulb go in a student’s eyes when they finally “get it” … when they understand what I am trying to teach them.

The way I feel when I see a student get it is one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had and I get to see that several times with several different students every time I teach a class.

I make an emotional profit every time I teach a class because I know I am using my god given abilities to help others which makes me feel good about myself. Feeling good about what I am doing makes me happy which also makes me content with my life.

Problems are a part of everyday living and I have never met anyone who has everything they want.

Contentment is the point in your life where nothing major is going wrong. It is a state where everything is OK.
Things aren’t fantastic … you are not on a “high” but you don’t feel that anything is missing in your life so you are not on a “low” either. In other words, you are comfortable … you are content.

I don’t feel anything missing in my life. I don’t have everything I want but I do have everything I need. I am grateful for and take the time to enjoy the things that I do have.

I have friends … people who love me … people that I love.

I am financially comfortable … I have enough money to pay my bills.

Do I have as much money as I would like to have?

No, I don’t. I can’t buy expensive toys, go on fancy vacations or spend a lot of money on entertainment or clothes.

Do I have as much money as I NEED? Absolutely!

Most people are really searching for contentment. Once you discover what you truly believe you will be able to decide what you really want out of life. At that point, if you start down the path to reach you true goals, you will begin to feel happiness and contentment. I can guarantee that because that was how I became content with my life.

Does that mean that you have to have everything you want? Of course not! I don’t know anyone who has everything that they want.

Is happiness having money, fame, fortune, good looks, etc?

No, if it was, people like Lindsey Lohan and Charlie Sheen wouldn’t exist. These people are obviously miserable with their lives. They are filthy rich, young, attractive, famous and yet, they are miserable.

If you feel that something is missing in your life then you are not content. If you are not content it is really difficult to be in a state of happiness. Anybody can be happy for short periods of time. We can be joyous. We can really be turned on by things and that is a good thing. Most people do feel that way periodically.

It is nearly impossible to be on a “high” all the time. That is what most people are trying to accomplish when they use drugs, alcohol, promiscuous sex, shopping and a host of other activities to EXCESS. They are trying to recreate that “high”.

However, there is absolutely no reason to be “low” either. You need to find the mid-point between the “low” and the “high” because that is where happiness lies.

Beliefs come from many different sources such as what our parents, family members and religious leaders teach us, from what we observe happening around us and the things we experience directly as well as from what our culture (including music, books, television and movies) teaches us.

We are constantly being programmed by all of these sources from birth to adopt a specific set of beliefs which are frequently called ‘values’. The primary purpose of all this programming is to keep us alive by teaching us to avoid danger and also to help us fit into society. Human beings have been using both laws and religion since the beginning of time as a way to get people to conform to what their society considers acceptable behavior.

Using laws is pretty obvious, but why religion? Because, you have to get caught doing something considered against the law before you get punished. If we believe that we will be punished by God, who is all powerful and all knowing, we don’t have to get caught to be punished so we are much more likely to do as we are told then if something is just against the law.

I am sure you can see that with our beliefs being influenced by so many different sources, serious conflicts are bound to occur. So, what do we do when there is a conflict? Small children adopt the beliefs of their parents and other care givers. Children need approval from their parents and usually will do whatever it takes to get their love and approval.

The basic foundation of our belief system is learned by the age of five. Most of the time, we are not consciously aware of what those beliefs are. But, if we don’t live according to our true beliefs, we cannot have a life of happiness and contentment.

Are you happy and content with your life?

Small children believe in Santa Clause, the tooth fairy and that everything mommy and daddy tell them is true. They also believe that the way their family, culture and religion do things is right, good and normal. As adults, we realize that Santa Clause and the tooth fairy are harmless fantasies that bring joy into the lives of children.

We all create beliefs based on the things we see, hear and experience. From birth on we are developing our belief system and it changes as we experience new things.

For example, if I eat something and it makes me sick, I might try the food one more time to be sure that it was the food that made me sick. But, if I get sick the second time, I will create a belief that I cannot eat that food because it makes me sick. Once I adopt that belief, you will have a very hard time getting me to ever touch that food again. However, I really have no idea exactly what made me sick, just that something in the food I ate did and I don’t like getting sick so I will never willingly eat it again.

Have you ever really examined your beliefs?

Who’s right? … Or is there really a “right” answer?

I define success as having enough resources to do the things I really want to do…the things that bring me happiness and contentment. The resources can be money, time, material things, friends, family, education, social status, power, etc. It all depends on what you want to do…what brings you happiness and contentment. The answer is different for each individual.

Do you know what you really want to do with your life?